Mother's Day Heart Ache

How do I make the hurt go away? How do I justify what I have done? I taught my youngest it’s ok to lie to his mom. It’s ok to send that message to his children. One of the rules I wanted most to impress my children with was, “Never Lie.” The pain I feel proves that point.

Mother’s Day this year was destroyed a lie. I got a phone message that stated that reservations were made for five at the Peppery for next Sunday, see ya there. I thought at first that he had forgotten that Sally was here. I then thought that maybe it was the cost. I could offer to pay for her. So, I called my son and asked if he had forgotten Sally. Maybe it was that she wasn’t welcome to come to our Mother’s Day breakfast. He said, “Can’t she stay home for a couple of hours while you have breakfast.” I said that’s not family. That’s not how I was taught. Money wasn’t the issue. Having her there was. I informed him I would be staying home then. Without any hasitation he said, that was my choice. I hung the phone and realized my special day had just been destroyed.

I thought he was just being selfish and mean. Weeks later I wrote him a letter of concern. That’s how I deal with my pain. He never responded until his Aunt died and we had to chat. He then confessed he had lied to protect his girls. They didn’t want her there. Protect them from what? A heart broken grandma. I thought I had taught them to open their hearts to lost people in need of love. How stupid I have been.

This was Mother’s Day, not a party for the girls. It was my day to feel proud. He allowed them to be cruel to their cousin and crush my heart. I still can’t sleep. I don’t know how to make it go way. The realization is that, I am not a good enough mother to be protected on my special day. Oh Lord, this hurts to write. To admit that all those years I tried so hard, to do my very best, it still wasn’t good enough. How do I make this hurt go away?

Joyous rewards

It’s a glorious feeling to bring joy to someone. Tonight it was eight freshman from Sonora High. There were seven girls and one boy.

Last week one of the moms called and was looking for someone with classic cars. She got our number from Margaret at the Junction Shopping Center. I shared with her that we would be thrilled to escort the teens to the high school prom.

She went on to explain that a limo was going to be $600, just to go 2 miles. Holly cow. I told her that we didn’t charge to bring joy to anyone. She couldn’t believe it. She then invited us to come early and join them for dinner. She felt she had to reward us in some way. I told her, not necessary. She was taken back by our generosity. We scheduled a time and I got her address.

Hubby had a grand idea. He invited two more cars. Our good friends, Bill and George, didn’t hesitate a moment to help us out. We took our two ‘65 Mustangs, a ‘68 Mustang fastback and a ‘55 Buick. We arrived on time. As I walked up to the door to announce our arrival, teenage eyes were peering out the windows with amazement. I invited them out, so they could choose which car to ride in. Out they came, screaming with joy. Oh my gosh!! The parents were thrilled and still couldn’t believe what we had done.

Hubby knew there were suppose to be eight kids, but when a large group came rushing out the door, he was a bit taken back. He said to the parents that he thought there were only eight. They reassured them that’s all there were. The others were guest who joined in, for the celebration dinner.

Everyone made their pick and climbed right in. My two couldn’t stop talking about how great it was, what we were doing. I told them we love kids and it was our pleasure. They were like detectives wanting to know all about my involvement. I shared with them after they asked the cost, that yes, we were free. There shouldn’t be a price on making memorable happenings. They wished they could go riding in the convertible someday. I told just give me a call. The screams were back. Silly girls.

As we arrived in the parking lot across from the cafeteria. I announced that we had to put the top down now. After all, we can’t show off, with it up. Yep, the screams were back. Wow, to be so cute.

They couldn’t have been more thankful. I reminded them to give me a call and we’ll go cruisin’. They all thanked us and couldn’t wait to tell all there friends.

Another memory to cherish by all.

High and Heartaches

As I woke up this am my first instinct was to be alert to whether my honey was breathing. You see we’ve been married the 41 years and everyday lately is worrisome. He has high blood pressure, has had heart surgery, PTSD because of Viet Nam and now he’s has sugar diabetes. Lately he’s had some hick ups in his chest. Not like the angina he has to live with. Happenings that leave him light headed and dragging his left foot. Yesterday he was in the garage and he said it felt like someone was pulling his skin from his chin to his chest so tight he couldn’t breath. It hurt. I gave him a nitro and it helped. Yes, we’ve done testing. With no signs of concern. So they say. I am sure some of it is stress created by himself.

As I lay there not hearing a breath, I wonder. How will I fill his sense of humor? I wonder if the family realizes I have tried all I could to keep him safe and medically cared for. I wonder how long I can keep from calling anyone, if he’s gone. Once I call for help I’ll never have him close to me again. A smile comes on my face as the bed begins to jar. It's another good start day.

Keeping My word.

Keeping My word.

I gave my word to Momma. She was terrified of doctors. She had a right to be. When she was pregnant with her third child, Phyllis, she became concerned that something was wrong. She was carrying a bucked of water from the well and dad was angry at her. He should have been the one getting the water. He instead went after her about something and shoved her down the hill.
Momma didn’t feel well after that.
She knew something was wrong. She called her doctor in fear for her baby. They didn’t listen to her cries of help. A week later they decided to take her into the hospital. A dark, cold and lonely place. They told there was no heart beat and induced labor. The smell was horrendous. The cord was wrapped around the babies ankle. She never forgot how awful that was. They treated her like she had done something wrong. It was horrible. She was rapped in stripes of sheets. They did that in those days to keep the tummy flat. She felt lost and lonely. She didn’t think anyone cared. From that day on she never trusted medical staff ever again.

When she was older and ill I would drive to Redwood City which took and hour and twenty minutes and pick her up, to bring her back to my house in Tracy, CA. One hour and fifteen minutes one way. I loved bringing her home. Even thought usually it was serious, because she never told me she was sick until the last minute. I took her to our doctor and stayed with her the whole time. I promised her that I would be there, right to the end. No matter what, she would never be alone in a hospital or doctors office again.

Little did I realize how that would impact me. The time came and her emphysema was taking her from us. I called the ambulance and we went to the emergency room in Redwood City. They informed me that this was it. They took her to where she could pass away in peace. I stood beside her and rubbed her forehead. I remember thinking as tears ran down my face. No one can ever hurt her again. I looked at all the scares dad forced on her. She was sleeping now. My little sister Tere, who is twenty years younger, had to go back to her babies. I prayed that God would forgive mom for all her sins and accept her in heaven. Then I realized maybe I didn’t have that right since I attend very little church. I do believe in God with all my heart. I then reassured myself, I am a child of the of the Lord and it would be all right. Watching her body thrash about was so hard. I walked over to the wall by the door and yelled. “Someone get in here, help her!” No one came right away. They new more than I did. I then cried with all my heart. I wanted her back. It’s hard to realize that it was over. That never, never again will we see that smile or hear her radiant laughter. I kept my word. I did what I had promised. I did all I could to be sure I did everything in my power to always keep her comfortable. She worked so hard all by herself to raise all of her children the best she knew how. I always tried to return all her love and devotion.

I have kept her ashes with me for thirteen years. When my brother. who is a year younger than I, died almost two years ago, I decided it was time to place them in the ground. The first few months without her here was like grieving all over again. I was used to go to her, on her birthday, Mother’s Day and Christmas. I’d tell her I loved her. When these special days came and I ‘d opened the closet where I kept her in a beautiful Christmas bag. Now she was gone. Really gone. I will always love her and miss her more than life. She passed away at 62. She use to say smoking gave her such pleasure. I am so glad I never ever tried. It only caused me pain.

Pepper to the Rescue

Our dog Pepper wasn't just any dog. She was part human. A sweet black Cocker Spaniel with a tail that wagged so hard we thought it should have fallen off. She loved to play with us by the river. The Des Moines river in Iowa was just a few feet from our back door. We would swim, row boats, fly kites way above it and fish there every chance we could. In the winter we would make a bond fire by the moon light and go ice skating. The ice was harder and safer at night when it was cold.

This warm summer day I was in my room playing school, like always. I was a possessed seven year old. In my bedroom was had a huge black chalk board, real desks, maps, books and more. I, was the teacher. While preparing for an important lesson, I heard Pepper barking at the back door. I ran to see what she wanted. She always had something to say. This time the barks were intense and loud. I looked out the screen door and asked her what was the matter. She just keep barking and jumping on the screen frantically. Something was seriously wrong. I ran to the back of the house to tell mama. She said to keep an eye on her and she would be there shortly.

"Pepper, Pepper where are you?" Still in a rage and barking I noticed she had come up from river bank. Stepping out to follow her my heart was beating rapidly. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was Steven, my six year old, very curious brother. He was always doing the opposite of what he was told. He was all boy. He was thrashing in the water with his face down. I started to scream for mama. She flung open the screen door, yelling for me to get help. She had realized what had happened even before she got there. In her demanding voice, she told me to get Uncle Richard, who lived next door. She yelled, “Hurry”.

He had heard mom screaming and was running towards me. Steven was exhausted from trying to keep above the water for so long. Mama stepped into the river and tried to pull him up. She was pregnant at the time. She held him near to her. They were both dripping wet. She kept trying to assure him he was going to be all right. She started to climb up the bank, but couldn’t get out. She the realized his foot was caught on something. She kept trying to pull him free. The river water was dark and murky. It was difficult to see what was lying below.

In those days people didn’t have dump sites to dispose of garbage. They would just dump house hold items out into the river. We never did such a thing. Unfortunately these things would wash their was down the river and get caught on the muddy uneven banks. Finally my Uncle got something to cut him loose. He had then realized, it was an old rusty bed spring that gripped his foot so tightly. At last he was free and safe again. Steven was still crying and kicking. Mama was crying. She was so relived that her little boy was alive in her arms. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was so frightened. In fear of all most losing my cute little blonde haired active brother.

Pepper was the greatest dog ever. Sadly enough it was her last act of kindness. She was hit by a drunk driver a week later. She was never replaced and will never be forgotten.

A New Beginning

A decision that gave meaning to a new beginning. Meeting Mr. Right seemed wrong to my cousin Judy who was visiting from Iowa. As I sat back down in the car at the A & W Root Beer stand, I said without any hesitation, "I'm gonna marry that guy!" "You don't even know that loud, obnoxious jerk!", my cousin exclaimed. He had just opened my door because the food tray on the window was in the way. He bowed and said, "My mother taught me to be a gentleman". Those deep blue eyes winked at me and captured my heart. I knew he was the one.

I was able to have my weekends free because mom's restaurant had a fire and she couldn't work. It was meant to be. We had three weekends together. One of which he calls me and informs me we are going to the beach. "I can't go to the beach, I just washed my hair and it's in rollers." "Put a scarf on, I am on my way." I couldn't believe him. Mom was right my hair was dry by the time we got there. I brushed it out and we had fun in the sun, sand and the sea.

He was a seaman on the USS Coast and Geodetic Survey Ship out of Oakland. He looked so cute in his sailor suit. He went out to sea for 6 months. We wrote each other every day. I would have time to write just before I would went to bed. By then I had gotten my baby brother, who was a few months old, to sleep. I loved listening to Connie Francis', “Where the Boys Are” while I was writing.

He even called me ship to shore. I thought the first time he said, "Over," he was gone. Not knowing that's what you say to the person you are talking with on a CB radio. While he was out to sea, he bought a set of wedding rings and sent me a picture. He never asked me to marry him. We both new that we were meant to be.

"Momma please, understand." "Don't be mad at me." "You'll be fine." For the first time in my short 18 years I was doing something I wanted to do. No, it wasn't just to get out of the house. I had spent ever minute of everyday, taking care of the family and mom. "You can’t leave me, you can't leave me." "Gary, you well be all right." "I will be back." "I still love you." He was only ten and I was always there for him. This time I needed to be there for me. Steve , who was a year younger than I, was back in Iowa with dad. He was to much for momma to handle. I moved in with my future mother-in-law. She had offered me a space until Cecil got home. I felt that was good. Then mom and the boys could let go slowly. It gave them three months to get use to me being gone. My mother-in-law was so patient. She would lend me her car to help mom with the kids.

Three days after his cruise ended, we were married. I wore my white graduation dress because we didn't have the money for a real wedding dress. It took place in the court house but we didn't care. He was drafted immediately. He was the US Army's man now. Basic training was at Fort Ord, California. They had an outspread of meningitis. I only say him three times in the eight weeks of basic training. Because his nephew was there also, I would sneak across to see him, until I got caught. His nephews side wasn't quarantined. He got his orders for Ft. Story, Virginia. He stopped by to give me a kiss before he flew out of San Francisco. I was a lost. I missed him so much.

Thirty days later I was trying to get on a plane out of San Francisco for Virginia. My mother-in-law was there to see me off. "But mom, I've never flown before." "I never even been away from my mom." "I've never gone anywhere like this by myself." "But mom I am so scared." "Yes, of course I want to be with Cecil." "I know he's waiting for me."

"Bye, mom." I was so scared I could barely talk. I was so relieved when we landed several hours later. I had to switch planes in Chicago. Some man tried to pick me up. I got lost and almost missed the plane. .A voice called out "Looking for someone?" "You turkey, I've been looking all over for you." "I know, I was right behind you the whole time." That was one of his great attractions, his sense of humor. And of course those blues eyes smiling at me.

Living in Virginia was one of the best times of our lives. That's not to say it wasn't hard. A couple of days after we arrived it was Thanksgiving. We went to the grocery store and got mayo, turkey lunch meat and bread. We had to spread the mayo with our fingers. We forgot the plastic ware. I thought it was great, he felt bad. It was 1964,the Army only paid us $98 a month. I decided to cook him pinto beans, just like his mom did. They tasted great. Except, no one told me you were suppose to sort the little rocks out first. He was very kind about it. Part of the month all we had to eat was beans, peanut butter and maybe popcorn. But we had each other. For the first time we could share our dreams and plans together. I could have lived in a tent and been happy.

We could only afford heating oil for half the month. Winter's were freezing and lots of snow. I loved the snow, he didn't. The other half of the month we had an electric blanket. The only problem was we couldn't sleep with it in on the bed because the ceiling leaked. So we would have to sleep on the hide-a-way in the living room if it rained or the snow melted on the roof. The water there wasn't fit to drink. It smelled like rotten eggs. You could bath in it. We had go to the local dairy farm to get tanks of fresh drinking water. We had no car at first so we walked everywhere. We got a used TV later. His brother loaned us some money.

Our landlords had a bait shop. We got to help with their business. Cecil was the first service man he ever let help work his business of many years. Well, If someone asked for worms I just let them, “ Help yourselve!.” We loved sitting on the beach on a log in the evening and watching the ships go by. It was a beautiful site. Going out to catch minnows was always an experience. Because I was pregnant and a butter ball, I got to sit on the bow of the little boat to balance it when we went out. The huge brick homes with boat garages that jutted out into the water were spectacular.

My hubby was ordered to Viet Nam. I was six months pregnant and had to return to California. His brother once again helped us. He gave me a ticket to get home. I had the first of our two children without my hubby. I was scared and I almost had a nervous break down. It was painful when I would get letters from Viet Nam that he may not make it. His mother had a letter to give me if he hadn’t. I can't tell you how many a teary-eyed night I had spent. I had learned just a few months before that my mom had left the man she moved away with, when I left home. She was also pregnant. She had my little sister four months after I gave birth. She is twenty years younger than I and the best gift my momma ever gave me.

My hubby had morning sickness with both of our boys. All nine months, everyday. Even in Viet Nam. He spent one day in the sick bay. The day our son was born. He said he wasn't going through that for no broad ever again with our second boy. He said I'd have to go find someone elses kids to have fun with. I must confess now, I am glad we only had two. I seriously wanted a dozen, like my Aunt Edna. I went to work for the school system for twenty-five years. I just loved it. That's another chapter.

I Love You Still

If all the would should tumble and fall
and I were the only one left of all
I'd climb up to the highest hill
and shout these words, "I love you still."

Today our lives aren't very free
but as long as you live you'll always have me
and when ever your near, I get the greatest thrill
and all I can think of is, "I love you still."

Written for my hubby of 41 years when I was 17.